MY HOLY SPIRIT EXPERIENCE FROM ADDICTION

I have been sober now for 13 Years, 5 Months, 9 days and 4 hours. For the first 7 years I worked the 12 Steps to the best of my ability, in fact, I worked them so well that it kept me away from drink, gambling and drugs. This was a huge victory for me, a huge, huge victory, not to be demeaned or underestimated.

But there was something missing in my life – a huge hole was developing in me that was not going away. It was the Holy Spirit void, the dark chasm of self will that was carrying me forward whilst taking me backwards into the oblivion and confusion of my own mind. Gladly, pain and suffering would soon change my point of view.

When I was 7 years sober I had already started to read the bible, go to church occasionally and accept Jesus as my saviour(Sort of). I knew he existed but I fought that reality with my pride. I was trudging from one day to the next, going to meetings and church but I was not in a good shape.

Both in the rooms of 12 Step groups and in the Churches we join ourselves to, it is very easy to avoid the calling of Jesus Christ. In fact, within any group, including your own house, one can get lost in the midst of the chaos, forgetting that a direct and close relationship with Jesus is the only important reality there is. I know that today, perhaps I knew it then, but I was not in a place where I could accept it – maybe I was not ready.

Then my Mother committed suicide, my businesses failed, there was my life literally falling into the devils playground. Panic attacks, nervousness and hopelessness was my lot. I was left with a horrifying experience that brought me to the edge of hell. One minute was like 4 days. I was suffering emotionally beyond what I could describe. I had contemplated and half attempted suicide a few times in my life, but if I were to go down that road this time, it would be complete.

Somehow days turned into weeks and weeks into a few months. I had been through weeks and months of nervousness, panic attacks, mental anguish and emotional pain – but I had not acted out on my addictions, something Satan himself was betting on.

In fact, through all of this, I didn’t even pick up a cigarette, which was the first action I would have expected from someone like me in such circumstances. I had never been to a place where I was COMPLETELY OUT OF ANSWERS. My Heart was broken, in recovery and in Christ. My hope was completely gone – and when I say completely I mean it.

I would work 18 hours a day, get into my car and drive to a forest, where, I would sit until the morning, crying and moaning, almost hoping a gang of thugs would drive by and shoot me in the head.

I was on a one-way ticket to an early grave, hoping it would arrive sooner rather than later. I was inches away from the great abyss when Jesus Christ whacked me across the face. I say WHACKED because it wasn’t gentleness or kindness I needed, but I wake-up-call.

I stood on a packed street corner, the rain already soaking into me. A voice came to my head ‘You need to go to this building and you need to go there today’. It was the voice of the Holy Spirit, a crystal clear tone I recognised instantaneously.

The building in question was actually a Christian Church I had accidentally? strolled into a few weeks previous, it was about 30 minutes walk away on a normal day. The funny thing is –there were floods in the city , the river had burst its banks, everyone was warned to get out and stay out and it was very dangerous to attempt to get there. This fact gave me even more reason to attempt to walk there because I had lost my fear of anything real. I knew I had to make it.

I walked(Waist Deep) across the city. The dirty water, the rain, the fear of life was doing its best to eat me up. But I made it across, down the street, up a hill, where the flood waters had failed to make it and I rang the door of the church. There was no one around except a few cars in the distance.

A gentle-faced lady answered the door, she welcomed me in, she apologised for there being no bible study(No one else made it through the Flood). She eventually managed to find me a large pair of trousers, and a dry t-shirt. Then she made ma cup of tea.

I sat in the building, as if I was waiting for Jesus himself to walk out of the room. Little did I realize he was walking right beside since the day I was born. I knew I had won my first battle with the Devil. He was certain I was going to die. He was wrong.